Showing posts tagged fail mary
5-Step Visualization Technique to Help Packers Fans Get Over the Monday Night Game Before Kickoff Against the Saints
- First, visualize an electric teal mega-catapult attached to the peak of Mt. Rainier that is capable of launching, an infinite amount of times, the cloned bodies of replacement referee Lance Easley, Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, and Seahawks wide receiver Golden Tate several miles out into the Pacific Ocean, where they are infinitely caught and ripped apart by furious, diseased, starving, and genetically-enhanced Great White Sharks.
- With this fantasy running on a continuous loop in one quadrant of your imagination, now visualize an underground labyrinth through which Pete Carroll is forced to prance, much in the manner as he pranced down the sidelines following the touchdown call on Monday night, as he is chased by a cackling, monkey-faced demon. Also: Pete Carroll is weeping, holding a lantern, and dressed as a Teletubby as this happens.
- Next, re-imagine the final play of Monday night’s game, frame-by-frame, second-by-second. On top of this real-time visual re-imagining, slowly layer in the audio of Matt Hasselbeck saying, “We want the ball, and we’re going to score,” and also superimpose—very gradually—the video of Al Harris jumping a quick-out and taking the ball, raised up over his head, to the house. If you’d like, you can also include an animated mind-.gif of Mike Holmgren slowly folding forward in pain and disbelief as he witnesses this happening. You will be so distracted and delighted by this overtime playoff victory (again) in the upper-right-hand corner of your brain that you will not notice the shitshow going on in the lower-left-hand corner, where M.D. Jennings is intercepting a desperation pass that is inexplicably being called both a touchdown and an interception.
- You are in Mordor, having just destroyed the ring, and you are trapped with your friend Samwise Gamgee on a large rock as a sea of lava slowly rises up around you. From the sky, a Giant Seahawk screeches and circles toward you, offering its help. Sam hands you a M20A1/A1B1 Bazooka and you fire a 90 mm M28A2 warhead directly into the beak of the Giant Seahawk, causing its entire head and torso to explode into a sphere of blood and feathers and sending the remnants of its cauterized body directly into the sea of lava.
- Finally, take a breath, close your eyes. Imagine that it is December 30th, 2012. It’s snowing outside, but you’ve already shoveled, and you’re inside, seated before a warm fire, wearing an extremely plush holiday sweater, sipping spiked eggnog, feeling happy about your life, and watching Seattle lose to the Rams to conclude another wild, fun-filled, occasionally-satisfying 7-9 season.